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Warseer secrets revealed!!!!!

June 16, 2016

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In which I reveal all about the secret inner goings on of the masonic “Wastoids”…

Last weekend I met up with a bunch of strangers on the internet. We drank. We danced. We went to strip clubs and bizarre restaurants. We sat in hotel rooms until security dispersed us for being “too rowdy”. What made this different to the usual gatherings that occur across England on a weekend is that it was part of a new breed of elite secret society members. The group I was a part of  was called the “Wastoids”.

One of the more secretive but dangerous groups on the internet, The Wastoids are from the website Warseer, a tabletop gaming forum. Yet despite what may seem like being a harmless pastime is in fact a bed of lies, sex and in jokes so terrifying they have lead to public figures decrying the group.

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One of the Editors of the Black Library describes her feelings towards the website.

After infiltrating the group a few years ago under the alias ‘blackcherry’ and answering many arcane questions posed by the group, I was asked to come to one of their gatherings. A ‘social’.

I arrived late afternoon on New Street station to be greeted by ‘Lord Monkey’, a man in his mid 30s going on 50s. After that he took me to an innocent enough seeming group hanging out in a pub. It was hard to gather all of their names and instead over the weekend people referred to themselves by the assigned names of their online alisaes instead.

There was 6 foot tall scottish man built like a brick shithouse with a jovial grin,(‘Bigby Wolf’) a Belgian man who looked young enough to not be able to drink yet (‘Lord Malorne’) a young woman in her late 20’s (simply called ‘Mute’, short for ‘Wintermute’), a greek guy who kept swearing profusely (‘Deathcat’).To my right was a clean shaven man who clearly was from Cambridge (Momus) and slumping into his chair was a man simply called ‘Sylass’.

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From left to right: ‘Deathcat’, ‘BigbyWolf’, ‘Momus’, myself, ‘Wintermute’, ‘Lord Monkey’ and ‘Lord Malorne’. I was later forced to take an axe to many of the surrounding furniture for ‘teh lolz’.

A few other anonymous members would join us over the weekend, drifting in and out the group like malevolent spirits (‘Darnok’ and ‘TEDS’) but that was our core group. It seemed innocent enough, but little was I to suspect the horrors to follow.

The first stop was a pub, where the group soon devolved into abusing any barstaff unlucky enough to wonder into its grasp and having them kiss a plastic dinosaur cradled by Lordmonkey. The bar staff were terrified.Not that I was spared. My own initiation involved licking curry sauce off the model after it had been dipped into a particularly spicy curry whilst Mute video taped it.

Shades of Pig Gate kept flowing through my mind as I kept back the tears amidst the groups laughter.

After that it was onto drinking and drinking. I was made to imbibe a ‘Cheeky Lola’ and play twisted games that were designed to reveal deep secrets to the group, for them to hold over me in future.

Saturday we visited a Games Workshop and smashed it to pieces, whilst Deathcat held the terrified employees down screaming in their ears “Have you played Warhammer: Total War yet?!”. After a frantic chase through Birmingham’s streets by the police we crashed back into our hotel and changed out into garbs reminiscent of the bullington club. The Momus connection suddenly made sense, along with why our activities were surprisingly similar to that den of debauchery and menace.

Barely standing at this point (the group had been steadily drinking since the day before and slept a few hours at best) we entered a sex club that used the cover of a ‘burlesque fair’ to shield it from prying eyes. I was patted down for recording equipment before I entered by two large guards and advised to not tell what I saw to another soul.

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The groups debauchery knew no bounds.

Inside was barely kept in check debauchery, as people swung from poles to a cheering crown on a balcony above the stage and’vendors’sold their ‘wares’. Usually with unwilling participants as a part of it. The group dispersed and went to their own interests – it was clear they were at home in this environment. In between mentions of how the GW Gen forums were a pit of depravity, they strode the hall, stroking half naked men and women being hung by their arms from the ceiling. The moans almost drowned out the drum and bass coming from the stage.

Inside I felt sick and utterly alone.

The rest after that was drunken blur. A ‘restaurant’ where the food itself was laced with drugs, a strip club that was more of a sex dungeon than any respectable nudie bar and a visit to a ‘coffin museum’ where we buried a sacrificial ‘genner’ as part of some obscene yearly ritual, whilst a main in bleached blond spiked up hair (another ‘Wastoid?’) laughed uncontrollably and took photos.

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The casket we buried Momus in.

I remember calling my partner in the middle of the night in tears at the things I had witnessed. She comforted me and told me it would be over soon. I only had 12 hours left to survive.

She was right though. It was only 12 hours and they went by in a blur in comparison to what had happened before. We ‘traded miniatures’ in an underground pub whilst onlookers watched. We stole from British institutions like weatherspoons.

I fled back to my train as soon as I was out of sight of the main group as we waved goodbye to one another, everyone parting in ways that seemed utterly alien to the debauched monsters they  had been all weekend.

But I had to tell someone. To get the news out of what this group are like. If you join warseer, just be aware that these are the people you may spend your time with. If that appeals…then god help you.

 

If you want to support my future career writing utter shit like this for Vice, send this article to them and say it’s the best thing you ever read. Or send them some poo and say I did it. It amounts to the same high quality investigative journalism they  like.

And yes, this is utter fiction. What we did was far worse 😉

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From → News, Writing

One Comment
  1. Laughing out loud on the train station…. Everyone around me thinks I’m a complete loony…..nope….that would be my dark and twisted other half aka Reece. 😜 looking forward to my induction into the society. If you’d told me it was that debauched, I’d have joined months ago. (now on to these sex rituals…)

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