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Committing suicide.

June 22, 2015

(Note: This won’t be shared on social media sites that the person in question frequents – I won’t make them feel any less safe than they probably feel at the moment. Also: Trigger Warning for Suicide)

I’m tired, hungover and the adrenaline rush has subsided. I’ve washed off the blood in the shower, am now at work and holding off a full blown panic attack. In short I’m a mess. And so will this post be no doubt. The reason? My friend just tried to kill themselves.

I know it’s selfish to worry just about me, but I know he’s safe and being watched over. So until I get home, I have to look after myself. What happened is a uniquely triggering event for me, beyond the normal mess that I’m sure many would be in at this time. Because I’ve been on both ends many times. One of them involved me turning up as a teenager to identify the body of someone I loved because there was nobody else.

So I understand the thoughts that go through your mind when you are in that state. People say they don’t understand those who commit suicide and call it selfish. Or they treat it as glamorous –  a shrine to the dearly departed who is now worth more dead than they ever were alive. Both methods are bullshit. There’s only one real way I’ve found to deal with it and that’s through making people more understanding of it. And the best way to do that? Humour.

It’s the reason I joke about suicide with my friends. Why I make light of it. It’s my own personal Room 101 – turning a horrific thing into one that can be laughed at, because the enormity of it otherwise would be overwhelming – too much for people. It doesn’t normalise it, but it at least means people aren’t ask likely to abandon their loved ones when it happens.

I don’t have any answers. I don’t think there are any. But there’s still the selfish part of my mind that asks “Why me? Why again?”

And another voice, small and nagging, that asks “Why not join in?”

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From → Life

3 Comments
  1. Never feel selfish for looking after yourself after something like this. Every time I’ve been there for someone who tried to kill themselves I’ve took time to look after myself. It’s important or you just end up in the same place or another statistic.
    I deal with it with humour too. It’s the only way sometimes.

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