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(Nearly) 6 years

March 31, 2015

So my partner and I split up last night. 

There were tears, as is to be expected when you’ve been going out with someone for close to a quarter of your entire existence. Though perhaps it would have been easier if it was a knock down, all out fight or the reasoning was that one of us had cheated/betrayed the other or some other sort of histrionics. But the fact is that, like many relationships, it reached it’s natural end. Though there were tears and I’m sure there will be many to come, it was mutual between us, even if the other half was the one who initiated it.

I don’t bear them any malice before any of my friends do anything rash. So please, back off on that regard. They need to find out who they are, which considering we’re still quite young is a fair enough request that I have to respect.

I may be in contact with a few of you in a few days though as I need to figure out what to do now. I have nobody where I currently live because my partner was all I ever really needed. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons the split happened in the first place. Maybe with some time, the reasons will out. For now though, it’s just working things out and hoping to stay friends with them. That’s all we both can hope for.

If you think this is just a little too clinical for a supposedly terrible event, well yeah, I know that. Whatever unique series of events conspired to make me able to almost clinically detach myself from emotional moments and situations, I know that it’s pretty fucked up. At the same time it’s too reductive to blame it on just one thing, be it social conditioning, or things that happened when I was younger, or even perhaps a little apathy that my generation seems to live in a perpetual cloud of.

I’m just glad the tears came, because at least it means I’m one step closer to being more human than I thought I was. That I’m able to express something other than anger means at least I’ve subconsciously, as well as consciously, absorbed the idea that my Dad’s reaction to things when I was younger, i.e. traditional masculinity and the British ‘stiff upper lip’, is bollocks. Now I need to work on making sure that I can do that in not just extreme events.

What comes next? I honestly don’t know. But at least the tears are falling.

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From → Life

3 Comments
  1. stevenharris permalink

    Not clinical, numb, which is exactly how we respond to such big things. Take it steady and feel whatever you feel when it comes up.

  2. The numbness is your mind’s way of protecting you from the raw emotion that is going through your body. It goes any number of ways but writing is a decent outlet.

    The stiff upper lip is a load of bollocks and responsible for mental breakdowns

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