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August 31, 2013

I unashamedly ‘heart’ you

Aberystwyth. I’ve been thinking about you again. So its finally time I got this shit down on paper.

Wherever I go, its a little poisoned thorn in my heart. I love Aberystwyth, but in the way one loves an ex, with all the good memories twined with the knowledge that in the end they chewed you up and spat you back out.

I’ve no doubt I need to live there again because its the greatest, most vibrant place I’ve even lived. You can keep London, New York and Tokyo. I’ve been to Aberystwyth and its better than all of those combined. Its the place where I first properly explored my sexuality (a few kisses and handies with an on/off boyfriend I barely saw doesn’t count). Its where I helped build Aber Live, which is one of the greatest achievements of my very short life.

Its where I met most of the people I consider my friends. Mike, Merlyn, Jacob. Mark. That crazy bastard Dazza. Tom, Liz, Jen, Ian and Anita. Tim. All of FSF.

Rhi, who I had a crush on for the longest time, in that awkward way that only nerdy teenagers are unable to ask for a simple date, despite sleeping around like its going out of fashion. I still wonder what would have happened if I had just asked.

Yet its also a place where I completely failed at university. Utterly. Where my youthful cockiness was smashed to pieces under the reality of stress and having to do 5 things when I only had time for 2. Of living off of £20 for a whole month. Of forgetting to eat for days at a time because I just didn’t care.  Its a place where I had my first breakdown. Where I spend most of a year either in bed deep in a depression or up but a member of the walking dead. Its a place that broke me in so many ways, its taken me 4 years and getting close to another breakdown to want to change that.

It was the place that made me become an adult in so many ways and reminded me of just how insignificant I am in the scheme of things. And the lies. So many lies, for which I apologise. I could start now and not be finished till next week.

Aberystwyth is why its nearly 1am, yet here I am, unable to sleep and typing this self pitying crap instead of snuggling up warm with a girl who loves me.

Yet…theres a part of me that wants to go there, just to see it I can ask Rhi for a date this time.

It brought our both the best and worst in me.

And its the same reason I know I can never go back.

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